hmmmmmmmm

so, made a new one.   www.xanga.com/fat_holocaust_x

if anyone actually still sees this, that's where i'm at.  hopefully trying to make some changes, but i'm not sure.  and im pretty sure that no matter what i do i'll probably get stuck in "the old ways" regardless.

so hopefully some things will be better... it'll probably seem like a different personality a bit since i stopped this one before college basically.

hope all goes well. wish me luck!

god damn i am terrible

ive been so fucked up at college, its a tough start.  blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh    so im retarted and havent been goign to the gym remotely frequently at all.  i thought it was ok and i could be fucked up until i settled in at school but its not.  i wasnt freaking out because i was still weighing 135 alllllll the time.  (ok fine we all know that isnt ok, and i should have been freaking out b/c its like obese, but whatever , you know what im saying).  ok so, the reason im really freaking out is because somehow, in the course of 24 hours i weighed in... more than 10 pounds more than i just was... on the same scale... everythign the same.  now, of course i always get terrible period bloat when i randomly gain somewhre between 5 and 10 pounds.  but this was rediculous!  and its still fucking here, and no period.  all in the course of 24 hours.  i am so fucking confused. ahhhhhhh i dont understand but im really freaked out, it better go away soon or i should just shoot myself.

so i finally got back into the routine of going to the gym everyrday, because i fucking messed up.  food is retarted at college, and i dont understand how everyones not obese until i go to the gym.  when i see skinny girls at the gym i feel a little bit better knowing that other people do this, and it really can be done.   but when i see fat people i never knwo what to think, are they actually getting any better, or are they just fooling themselves like i am? 

anyway, i was in urgent need of an update, b/c it hasnt happened since summer.  and because i miss this too damn much.  hopefully my "sanity" will be restored.  i neeed it

my stomach is pudging out so much its making my back hurtttt 

im such an idiot, i cant keep eating so much shit!

tomorrow im going to do a low-cal fast b/c if i dont, im afraid my stomach might explode

i really want to do that "drop ten challenge" as soon as i get to school... im excited about that.

hm so i tried using two body fat calculators online, cuz ive never had that done before and i always think its gotta be like 50%. so i tried it.  and i put in that i was 135lbs 5'9.5"  25" waist 34" hips  12"neck.     and it tells me i have 15% body fat.  aka its way off.  i guess cuz it doesnt account for the huge amount of fat on my thighs and everywhere else! i dont know.  so then i put in 26" waist, cuz thats what it is when i be fat and eat all day, and it said 16%.   yeah right i wish!  i hope they have some way to do that at the gym at school... i will definetly check it.  i was thinking its more like 20something, cuz thats pretty "average" aka fat.

http://www.linear-software.com/online.html  if you want some fake re-assurance that you have almost no fat.

i bet for actual skinny people... with like BMIs of 12, it'll say they have negative body fat percentages.  because its just got to be that off.

alright why is it impossible to see skinny people in a fast food place????  i really thought there might be some random people in the world that have crazy fast metabolisms or something... that can eat fast food successfully without being obese.  guess not.  every time im in a fast food place, i look around and everyoneeeee is at least overweight, if not obese.  its disgusting!  im like... omg wake up, look around, get a fucking clue dont you see how fat everyone is?!?!!  its so un-appetizing even if you enjoyed splurging and stuffing your face with fat and grease.  i really would love to be there when some random thin girl, (or at least healthy), stands up in the middle of the restaraunt and tells everyone off.  that would make my day... maybe year even.

really strong urge to go ride my bike... maybe it'll get some of this thigh fat to fall off.  too bad its still raining outsideeee!  maybe i'll ride our indoor one... even though i hate it. 
(()(her upper-thighs actually look rather large... but her abs are nice, and collar bones.)())

why is my chest the only remotely skinny thing i have? awesome.

who hates food? i do!  it doesnt even taste good anymore. this sucks balls.  i was out running errands with my mom today so of course we just haddd to stop for fast food!  ughhhh it sucks.  i dont even like the taste...  i barely like any food anymore.  i really wish i were strong enough to just fast forever!

so im watching my new favorite show, 'starved' on FX.   its really awesome, i like it alot, everyone should watch it.  so i am going to try and do awesome and lose more weight before school starts cuz i feel so gross.  i have a doctors appointment in like a week and hes gunna weigh me so i think i'll just drink like a gallon of water and stuff before i go.. haa that should be fine.

yup so i need to lose some of this fat, it will be done.